Seriously. Do you have to be so cliché?

When I’m thirsty, I don’t want to force myself in the middle of your oh so intelligent discussion of The Hills. Honestly, no one cares what you think about the LC & Brody cell phone commercial or how super crazy awesome your weekend was on Long Beach Island. That is what email and text messages are for. Unless you’re going to offer some witty analysis as to why you think Sawyer is so much better than Jack, shut it and let me hydrate please.

It’ll only take me…give or take 15 seconds to fill up my cup. Then you can go back to discussing all the outlandish gossip you just read on perezhilton.

Just make sure you’re actually doing work next time I fill up. That’s what you’re paid to do, right?

When I get a mid-afternoon craving for something sweet and salty, I know I have my faithful office vending machine to provide some non-nutritious grabbage.

After digging through my pockets to find some loose change, the last thing I want to find is someone standing around the machine contemplating if they want the Cheetos or M&M’s. If you can’t make up your mind, don’t stand there pondering every possible combination or trying to evaluate which snack would be healthier. If you wanted to go the healthy route, you’d bring in your own damn snacks. Just go with the M&M’s. They are always the generic default item in the machine that can never disappoint. Please stop taking up my precious time of Youtubing videos of narcissistic cats.

One more word of advice, don’t go for the Cheetos unless you want to be that tool with orange finger-printed paper work that will most certainly follow you around for weeks. Always stick with the M&M’s.

Have your $ ready. Don’t hesitate. E4.

Always.

Now I’m not one for turning the music down. The louder the better…when you’re alone. When you’re standing in the middle of a crowded subway or elevator, the last thing I want to deal with is second-hand listening to Katy Perry’s encounter with another female’s lips. If you’re not going to even play decent music, just lower your damn iPod a couple of notches. Unfortunately, so-called “noise canceling headphones” only benefit the listener and not us un-suspecting passerby’s. Shall I send Sony a suggestion for the Cone Of Silence Headphones?

No, Facebook is not shutting down in 7 days. No, you will not have to pay to use Facebook. No, no one cares if your group has the most members – you’re not getting in the Guinness Book of World Records no matter how many people you send invites to.

It seems that another one of these throw-away groups appears on my News Feed at least once an hour. Why are these people even my friends? Honestly, what’s the point of joining this massive groups. Are you going to utilize the wall and discussion board to chat with random strangers about a nonsensical subject matter? Probably not, since that’s what genre specific message boards are for. Stop piling up on groups that will just lay dormant on your profile. Unless you’re organizing an event or actually utilizing the group to discuss various subject matters, stop wasting my time having to sift through my News Feed just to learn that you joined another useless group, unless of course it actually serves a legitimate purpose

The best kind of sucking up is the kind that doesn’t involve making it noticeable. If you go out of the way to make sure your boss takes notice of you, and in doing so you make sure all the people around you know you’re doing just that, you’re a total and complete jackass. Remember what Aunt Becky told DJ on that very special episode of Full House: “The best way to wear makeup is to make it look as if you’re not wearing any at all.” The best way to suck up (because we all have to do it any some point to succeed in this crazy world) is to make it seem like you’re not sucking up at all. Flying under the radar and getting that nice promotion? Awesome. Stepping on all your co-workers backs and giving them a “neener neener” attitude? Bastard.

The Club was invented for a reason. It would deter someone from stealing your car, unless of course they had a hacksaw with them and could easily slice through your steering wheel. The floorboard lock was invented to do the same thing, but lock the brake so you wouldn’t be able to physically move the car. This sounded like a good idea, but it obviously wasn’t good enough. The Wheel Imobolizer has made it’s rounds and all that does is make your car stand out like a sore thumb. Any would-be thief passing by will certainly make eye contact with this glarring anti-theft device not-so-subtely chilling by the sidewalk. So what if they can’t actually take your car? Obviously, this car must be so important to the owner, all the goods inside are totally available for ravishing. And the hubcaps too. Or at least 3 of them.